Getting out of the ‘Post-Honeymoon-Phase’ slump
There are a number of reasons why people choose to seek the help of an Intimacy Coach, but there is one that stands out far above the rest regardless of age or sexual orientation. I regularly get approached by people in relationships seeking advice on how to get their sex lives back on track and the conversation always starts the same way: “How do we get back to where we were? How do we get the fire back?”
Relationships have seasons and we, as a species, are so resistant to change. We kick against it, desperately clinging to the familiarity of our comfort zones, fearing that evolution will somehow destroy us. When we first meet someone, we have our honeymoon season where everything is perfect sunshine and rainbows. Sex comes so easily because it is the most basic of human desires. We can’t keep our hands off each other, we isolate together, shutting out the real world and living within a perfect little space that we have created to just enjoy one another. In that world, the rules of reality do not exist and we go through life in a rose-tinted haze wondering how we ever existed before things were so perfect. We feel invincible, like nothing in the world can touch us, thinking that something this perfect couldn’t possibly come to an end.
“At some point in your relationship, there is going to be a change, a shift in your reality that is going to alter the very fabric of the relationship dynamic. You are going to move into a new season.”
Then, inevitably, we realise that the real world still exists outside of our little honeymoon bubble. The world outside hasn’t stopped while we have been wrapped up in each other. This reality hits us in many ways. A death in one partner’s family. The loss of a job. An unexpected pregnancy. The stress of relocating. An inconvenient car accident. Depression. A worldwide pandemic. All of the above. Whatever form it takes, at some point in your relationship, there is going to be a change, a shift in your reality that is going to alter the very fabric of the relationship dynamic. You are going to move into a new season, and instead of embracing it, we do what we do with all changes that threaten our patterns, we fight it instead of seeing it as a chance to grow.
The depiction of happiness that Hollywood paints for us is largely responsible for our negative reaction towards this change. We have this crazy notion in our minds that a happy and healthy relationship has to stay in the first season- the honeymoon season- where everything is perfect and the very thought of our partner makes us weak at the knees. When those giddy feelings begin to dissipate, we begin to doubt the very fabric of our relationship, believing that something is wrong or “off” instead of realising that we are simply moving into a new season.
As our relationship evolves, so our sex life must evolve as well. Instead of leaning into the changes and allowing our sex lives to adapt with us, we try and drag that honeymoon sex into this new phase of our lives, shoving a square peg into a round hole when it clearly doesn’t fit. We become sad and resentful, feeling as if something has been taken away from us when really all that is needed is a new approach. You cannot bake that same cake with ingredients that have changed, but instead of missing the taste of the old cake, why not look at it as an opportunity to create an entirely new dish?
To me, a happy and healthy relationship is not two people who have been in their honeymoon phase for decades. It is not the giddy, lovesick happiness we see in movies. I would describe it as a peaceful contentment. The happiest couples I have ever encountered are couples that are simply at peace with their relationships. They are secure in the fact that they have a true and committed partner in life and that no matter what comes their way or what changes their relationship may face, together they will find a way to grow and move forward. Always learning, communicating and cooperating. It is a quiet happiness. And it is beautiful.
No relationship is going to stay perfect all of the time. There are storms that need to be weathered even in the happiest partnerships, but at no point should your relationship or your partner be the source of your stress and anxiety. In a healthy relationship, both partners are able to communicate openly without fear of invalidation or judgement. This level of safety and openness is key to creating that feeling of peace and contentment we see in happy couplings because it allows both parties to feel secure and at ease that no matter what obstacles they face, they will be able to overcome them as a team.
“As our relationship evolves, so our sex life must evolve as well.”
This feeling of peace and contentment opens us up to new possibilities when it comes to fitting our sex lives into the ever-evolving seasons of our relationship. When we feel safe and secure within the very construct of our partnership, we are able to approach sex from new angles, unafraid of trying new things and new approaches. This doesn’t mean we need to go out and have threesomes or install a sex swing and invest in a closet full of kinky toys and latex (unless of course that is something you really want to do) but more about understanding that as we evolve, the same approaches to sex that worked before may not work anymore- and that’s ok! It doesn’t mean the flame is dead or you are no longer attracted to your partner, you may just need to adjust the way you approach and initiate intimacy in order to get things moving again.
Fortunately there are many very simple ways to do this. So contact UrbanScript today for a free online consultation and open up the door to new possibilities.